OMG..it is so freaking cold outside! Single digit temperatures are ridiculous.
Anyways...first week of second semester down already. My classes are going to be tough but probably an interesting experience. My biochem prof is Barry Manilow's boring cousin; I totally think it would help me learn about amino acids if he sang about it. My psych prof is nuts... in a good way; in a "wow you have way too much energy and just said shit in front of the class" way, but they say you have to be a little bit nuts to be in psych anyways.
I'm just a-chillin at home right now, going to my brother's show later. I think that I will be spending a lot of time in Omaha this semester...for a variety of reasons. Which is cool,because I like Omaha a lot, and there are a lot of way cool people there that I don't have to even worry about. Huzzah.
Well....out into the cold I venture.PeacE!
Procrastination.......
So yeah, I don't want to study. At all......and I feel bad because everyone around me is busting their ass right now and it seems like I should be too. Oh well.
So I already hate my new hair. I look like a man...or just ugly.
I am so paranoid right now....and I don't know if it is valid or not...it's killing me. One can only eavesdrop some much until it is obvious that you are doing it.......I just really need to know if they are still plotting against me, yet acting sweet and normal to my face, or if I really just am paranoid? I used to just assume that I was never important enough for anyone to talk about in their spare time, but I've recently discovered that apparently the things I do are talked about. In a bad way....
I guess my parents were right...too many years of watching X-Files will mess with your head...or maybe not. We'll have to wait and see.
Everyone comes crawling back to blogger......
well. My junior year of college is almost half over. I will be a senior creditwise after this week and I start studying for the MCAT over winter break. I wish I could somehow just focus on these big goals, which are indeed very daunting, instead of the petty little crap that I let get to me and that leads me to behave in a manner that is less than ideal.
This year, I have become someone I hate. I don't know if it is because of stress and lack of sleep,because of those around me or because of some other reasons entirely....
I want to be enjoying college, but I also have high goals for after I graduate, primarily, medical school. I want to be completely focused on my scholarhip..be a hardass that does nothing but study and gets awesome grades.....but then I also want to have some fun, and make some friends and enjoy college, because you spend the rest of your life working. And then I also want to figure out exactly who I am, or rather, change the person that I thought I was into something more adult. Am I a pushover doormat? I don't think about it for so long, and then stuff builds up and it makes me start to think that I am and that I need to do something to stop it. But then everytime I do something to help me feel more....respected, I end up doing it in a stupid way in some fit of anger, and then people end up hating me, thinking I'm the greatest douche on earth.
Basically, I feel like I've become a really bad joke, and it hurts me and is leading me to hurt others. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me...and no one else seems to care. Even my mother I think is sick of hearing my problems....and the people around here, well, they've proven that I can't trust them as far as I can throw them...and lord knows I can't ACTUALLY talk about problems on this thing....where does that leave me? I don't think they are bad enough for counseling...i just think I have to be willing to accept some things or I have to be committed to make a big change, and possibly make some sacrifices.
A lot of thinking to do...and it is the beginning of finals week.
Hahaha so yeah....kind forgot about blogger.
well, i'm halfway done with college now. And what has it got me??? A few more friends...some of whom turned out to later be back-stabbing hoopties, some of whom turned out to be pretty cool. A higher GPA and thank god for that. Experiences with boys and relationships and mess-ups freshman year, and not a damn peep since. A few new piercings. A lot of drama that involved me, which was unfortunate. A lot of futher confusion about who I am and what I want really. I thought all that was supposed to happen in the teenage years...yet in my case....it didnt happen until I was 17 and now continues, when everyone else is over it. Rather inconvenient.
So I find myself with a little more books knowledge, and less practical knowledge than I came in with. What do I want before I graduate? A successful thesis project, an acceptance to a great med school (or a med school at all), a boyfriend, 20 less pounds and some self-confidence.
Here's to a summer full of a worthless job, summer school and not a whole lot of fun.
So I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore, so that is probably a good thing. At least no one that matters for what I want to right about.
I really wish that I could take the moral high road on issues without feeling stepped on. Problem is...some types of people somehow get the priviledge to step on everyone else, without much consequence, and if any one tries to say anything about it, something negative happens to them. Its really frustrating and that's all I have to say I guess. I wish these people would get stepped on and see how it feels, and care and change their ways. Will that ever happen? No..because these people can not be hurt.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......someone hates me because they have a crush on my ex-boyfriend. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...how hilarious is that!!!! And she thinks I'M annoying...hahahaha....oh man. HI-LAR-I-OUS!
So its official. I've neglected my blog. I'm so terrible. I've been writing on the Xanga. For shame for shame.
Well, in short, here's the life right now....
*Scholarship thing actually still isnt secure....my bio prof forgot to turn in my grade and then left the country. Quite the debacle. So I have to wait for her to get back before I can find out if I have to pay next year or not. Stupid UNL.
*Went to Hawaii...for a week. It was glorious, that's really all I have to say. Saw some beautiful things, went surfing, ate some great food, didn't want to come back. But hey, at least the weather in Nebraska's been about the same since I came back.
* I have not one, but two jobs. Got the old one from the sports store back just this week finally, which adds to a 30 hr a week job I already obtained. I'm looking at 50 hours a week here, for at least a little while. I'm crazy.
Those are really the key points right now. So, I'll call that little update good, if anyone even reads this anymore, and see ya kids later. I'm going back to watching the Husker CWS game.
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